Experimental Rambling

What you're about to witness is precisely the reason I began blogging (again...and before). I'm looking for answers to a question I don't even know. I'm going to write down some words and cross my fingers (well, not actually cross them as that would making typing quite difficult) that at the end of it all, I have made some headway toward some kind of solution, or at the very least, have a challenge set forth for the tackling.

So...the long term relationship that ended...it's so much more complicated than that. Even today, after our mutual uncoupling, I am convinced that he and I have one of the greatest loves in the history of love. When we were together, we shared laughs and respect, we cooked up magic in the kitchen and created chemistry in the bedroom (and the kitchen and the in living room and on the stairs...). We inspired each other to become stronger and more fit. I can only speak for myself on this account, but knowing him made me want to be a better person. He helped me understand the world in ways I'd never bothered to learn. He introduced me to professionals who inspired me. He flew me to places I'd never been. He took it upon himself to make sure my passport didn't remain stamp-free. We massaged the other's sore bodies, we cared for sniffles and tummy aches. We held hands while grocery shopping. We sat side by side on the couch better than anyone.

And we shared our families too.

This was no ordinary love. There was nothing about our togetherness that felt like a compromise. For nearly four years, I looked forward to the minutes we could spend as a twosome. We had a rhythm that made the weeks and months fly past. We oozed passion.

So all of these lovely things make it quite hard to accept a break up -- especially because both of us will readily admit we still love the other.

The why of the break up? Let's call it claustrophobia. I understand -- probably more than he thinks I do. As previously mentioned, I'm not a huge fan of marriage, and don't have a lot of faith in forevers. At the same time, I don't want to go at this whole grown-up thing alone. Having felt how amazing a great relationship can be, I'll be the first in line to do it again. The caveat: it has to be just as good or better. The bar has been set almost impossibly high.

So while I know we are not "a thing" right now, we remain in touch (read that as you wish) and still rely on the other as dear friends. He was the first person I reached out to when my marathon toenail fell off. And I was his go-to gal when he needed to complain about chaffing. And when we are not "in touch," the extra alone time has given my brain chatter a whole new stage. My internal debate goes something like this:

He's never going to realize what he's missing by being broken up if you continue to support him as a friend and occasional lover.
So you want to play games? That's so not you, Jen. He knows you love him and if you act like a cold bitch, you're a) not fooling anyone, and b) mostly just being a bitch.
But he's taking you for granted. He knows you will always be there for him, yet you don't know he will always be there for you.
I'm pretty sure he'll be there for me. Haven't you been paying attention?

And so on...

The dialogue goes on forever. And ever. I hear it all day long...and all night too (because sleep is overrated). I hope to remain friends and be honest about how much I love and care for him. At the same time, I'd like to think I'm keeping my options open for qualified others who may be interested in getting to know me. I'm not sending off any particularly "I'm available" vibes, but hey...you never know.

I've been able to envision old age and hand holding with him since our very beginning. Add to that all of the lovelies mentioned at the beginning of this post and I think we can all see that I'm not in a hurry to (nor am I capable of) disposing of all of those wonders and simply moving on. I do realize that I might have to or choose to do exactly that (though I tamper the thought when it crops up). But for now, my part as a best friend, drinking buddy, and occasional fuck is still one of the most important roles in my life.

...and scene.

Okay, so I feel like I settled some stuff here. I wrote this a few nights ago and thought I was too tired to finish (looks fairly complete to me in a little bit of daylight). Upon reading it, it certainly appears I have some pretty strong feelings about where I am and where I'd like to be. I truly enjoy our interactions right now and don't feel rushed by my emotions or my friends to put a title on what he and I are.  And if one must attach a label to it, best friends will suffice.