Promises, Compromises

"It hasn't been easy to live with you the last couple of weeks."

...or at least something like that. His quote hung over my head all night long, and boldly greeted me when I woke. The details of my workday dulled the edges (and the exact wording), but the sentiment still clings.

It was an important that he tell me that. I knew it to be true, but it needed to be said and he was the one who needed to say it. I have been quiet, sullen, chilly, snarky. I have dragged my feet when heading home, I have looked for diversions to spend time elsewhere. I have not been a pleasant roommate.

I wrestled with his message today. I made a few excuses for myself (work has been very stressful, the kids need a lot of my attention, PMS is a bitch), and then I faced the truth which is, while I have not necesarilly tried to be difficult, I have certainly not made much of an attempt at nice.

When we began down the path toward cohabitation, I realized I knew how to live with him, but he didin't know what it would be like to live with me. Our time spent together from our previous chapters were almost exclusively on his turf. I learned to fit into his life. Over the years, this translated into more than just knowing where he kept the measuring spoons. I compromised my needs for the sake of his. I lost sight of the importance of me because i couldn't bear the thought of failing us.

When we reunited, all of those uncomfortable compromises were left behind. They were part of our past, part of our story, but no longer part of our lives.

And as we began sharing our lives, kids and all, shared turf, same bed every damn night, it was blissful. Really, it was pretty damn great.

But just a few months later, pots and pans in the wrong place, school stuff strewn about the house, and conflicting ideas on home decor leave me with my foot firmly planted in the ground, not necessarily getting my own way, but pouting because I am not.

While I'm not ready to diagnose my disorder just yet, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that perhaps I'm not willing to negotiate how I want the house to look and function because I fear one compromise could lead to another and another and...



We have agreed that ours is a lifelong partnership. I think it's time my subconscious get on board with us.